I here. You there – this is one of the most profound statements I learned while doing constellation work. For me this sentence is not about separation but more about my willingness to remain within my limits and at the same time to understand when someone else has made a small step in the boundary I have drawn for myself. At the same time, it gets me to think when I have overstepped my boundaries with someone else.
So how do I define a boundary? How do I know my space has been encroached upon or that I have encroached on someone else’s space? For me, it starts with my knowing of what is really ok with me based on how I feel inside my body. The body gives enough cues when it feels distressed and if I start feeling uncomfortable in my body, I know that I need to dig in more about why the discomfort is being felt. Maybe what is being asked for is not right for me even though it may sound like a reasonable request. It is up to me to ask myself what are my limits? Mine might be very different from the limits of others around me.
Resentment, guilt, fear, anxiety, stress, and anger are all red-flag indicators that the body is feeling a violation at present. Feeling responsible for another person is giving up your boundary to another. To really understand what we are responsible for is important if we want to define our limits. I need to know that I am responsible for my happiness, my choices, my feelings, and my behavior and not that of another. This knowledge allows me a structure to operate from. If I start to believe that I am responsible for the feelings of another, I not only let go of my boundary, I start to violate the personal space of the other. Before I know it I start to merge with the ones I start to feel responsible for.
Is it actually possible to merge with another? When I start to become too involved in the life of another, I start to gain a false sense of power that the well being of the other depends on what I do or do not. No one wields that kind of power over another. It is simply not possible. Too much overlapping and togetherness are wonderful if we know how to separate from each other. But when we cannot keep ourselves separate, we start to absorb the other person’s views, ideas, tastes, and even beliefs. Over time we no longer remain distinct identities, a merging has happened and it leaves no room for the “I”. To be able to be separate yet remain connected means constantly being in touch with “me”. To ask myself the question – Am I jumping in to save another or am I really doing this for my happiness? Am I feeling responsible for the other person in some way? Do I really believe that my action is going to change the happiness quotient for others? what exactly am I feeling in my body? and where am I feeling it as I make my choices?