Babies arrive in the world with a cry heralding their arrival. The world knows “they” have arrived. There is no apology about their arrival or the space or the attention or even the anxiety that the arrival will bring. And so it is, we come to the world with the gift of our life. Our next year is about making our place, placing our demands and basking in the love and attention that we believe we so rightly deserve. Does the one year old really analyse and beat herself over the sleepless night her parents are going through? Does she feel the obligation to return the caring and love that flows endlessly towards her?
I often wonder why is it that from the time we learn to walk, we start looking for approval from our parents and over time we loose the distinction between approval and love. It seems that both are the same. It has taken me a long long time to understand that not having approval from the loved ones does not mean that love has diminished. When my actions are borne out of a yearning to feel the love, I have loosened the boundaries that hold me in my space, but when my actions are borne out of love for what I feel deeply about, my boundaries hold me, making me stronger, allowing me to jump into the depths that I see in myself, thus creating a life, I want to live. Does the love from others diminish for me? The love is alive and it is there. It may or may not come with agreement in how I live, but, it is there! If I stress over getting everyone to think like I do, to believe in the things that I believe in, then I have entangled myself with the other.
When I am entangled then my thinking slowly starts to merge with the others , my beliefs seem to fade away and over time I loose sense of my feelings. Then begins the struggle for self and illness is born. Disease itself is a boundary question? Without a clear boundary with my loved ones, I remain enmeshed in my relationships. And how do I cope? I choose between withdrawal, or, compulsive care taking of others. Neither of which works for the self that I am trying so hard to find.
So where do I go from here? By understanding that standing forward on your own behalf does not invade anyone else’s boundaries. By asking yourself: “what do I want more or less of? What do I not want? What are my limits”. With my questions, I start to begin the process of self-definition. In this self definition I start to define what I value from a place of internal self reference. The external looses its urgency. I start to distinguish my emotions and separate them from others, feel my feelings, knowing they are mine. It is then when I know I have truly arrived and am ready to take my place in the world.
I Begin Here ….